Another reason for my blogging resistance over time has had to do with my avoidance of writing about things that are real. I mean I'm sure you find my posts about road-tripping with my sister fascinating, as are my lists and links to YouTube videos and Etsy Treasuries in which my work is featured. But let's face it - all of that is a little fluffy. And it creates what I like to refer to as the "Facebook Syndrome" - you know where everything that's posted is so positive and happy, and then people think your life is well . . . perfect? I've even had friends comment to me in the last year, "I want what you have!", and "You have it all figured out!"
In this installment (of which there may be several), I am here to tell you that my life is far from perfect, and no I do not in fact have "it" all figured out.
Let's start with the story of this house . . .
My ex-husband and I bought this house together 15 years ago. It's in the Queen Anne neighborhood of Seattle, which at the time we thought we'd never be able to afford - and somehow made it happen. It is an old Craftsman which had been mostly restored inside, and was perfect for our little family.
We moved in when our older son was just a year old. We landscaped the yard, put in new lawn with a sprinkler system! When our younger son arrived, we remodeled our daylight basement so that all our bedrooms could be on the same floor. As the boys got older the loft above our dining room became a haven for playdates and sleepovers, family movie nights and many, many hours of video games. We built a deck in the back yard with a treehouse for the kids . . . I guess on the surface you could say it was pretty ideal.
When the marriage fell apart I was the one who moved out. The house held lots of not-so-great memories for me, and I was ready to start anew. At the same time with the economic downturn, the small business my ex had started faltered. He eventually sold it, and subsequently was mostly unemployed for the next three years. Yes there were jobs here and there, but many of them were start-ups that couldn't get funded, and then he'd be back looking again. (To be clear, this is not about his inability to find work. I know he busted ass every day to find a job - and that being unemployed at the age of 53 after years of providing for his family was NOT great.)
So what happened with the house? He had no dependable income. I couldn't afford the house payment on my own - even after months of negotiating a new supposedly lower payment with the evil mortgage company. So we just stopped paying. We became "those" people. Oh sure we could have put the house up for sale, but without a job there was no way he could find a new place to live. And given the real-estate market at the time, we would have walked away with nothing.
We avoided foreclosure (sometimes by minutes) at least six times in the last eighteen months. There were real-estate sharks on our porch after each foreclosure notice, and strangers looking in our windows assuming the property was abondoned. My teenage son was getting phone calls on his cell asking about the house. It wasn't pretty, and I'm quite certain not a situation that anyone would envy.
In November we finally sold the house, and walked away with a few dollars (better than zero dollars I keep telling myself!). My ex found a job, which gave him the ability to rent an apartment in the same neighborhood so the boys can stay in their current schools with all their friends. It was a massive act of letting go, one that involved a fair amount of tears on my part - mostly for my boys as this was the only house they had ever known. Apparently the buyer plans to tear it down and build new townhomes on the lot. I felt like someone put a knife in my heart when I heard that . . . letting go, letting go, letting go.
At the end of the day - it is just a house, it doesn't define us. We are all healthy, and the boys are gradually adjusting to the new apartment (size, location & sharing a room). We even had Thanksgiving and Christmas together there - which was kind of fun. I have lots of gratitude that we can spend the holidays together as a family and actually enjoy each others' company. There aren't a lot of split families who choose to do that - and I'm proud of how far we've come.
So there you have it - a real story of something that kind of sucked for a long time.
My life might look shiny & pretty from the outside, and sometimes it is! But the truth is that there are days when it's bumpy & jumbly & I cry about it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
xo
you. are. awesome.
Posted by: Kass Hall | January 05, 2015 at 12:21 AM
Love big, brave you! You're amazing
Posted by: Laurie | January 05, 2015 at 05:34 AM
I love you eileen. Forever.
Posted by: latisha | January 05, 2015 at 10:56 AM
So much bravery in this.
"My life might look shiny & pretty from the outside, and sometimes it is! But the truth is that there are days when it's bumpy & jumbly and sometimes I cry about it. And I wouldn't have it any other way."
I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. And ditto.
Posted by: Elizabeth | January 06, 2015 at 09:58 AM